Before you read on, be forewarned that this post has nothing to do with the holidays. If you are looking for cheer, check back in a couple days.
The BK and I play soccer in an adult beginner league. The team we have played on for 3 sessions now has altered significantly, mostly for the better if you are talking about our record, although I miss seeing some of the folk from the first couple sessions, but not the perpetual losses that resulted in a lot of *#&@()$ whooping. The teams are composed mostly of 25-40ish people who have nothing better to do on a Friday night but kick each other in the shins, get thrown into walls, and run around panting and out of breath. It is best to assume that this is the only physical activity most people in this league get all week. In a nutshell, it's pretty ugly.
So a couple of weeks ago, we pull up to see a "team" in matching uniforms piling out of a minivan. Certainly these kids are in the wrong place or there are here for some after hours team slumber party. As we nervously make jokes about their age we walk into the building and start warming up. Our own teamates arrive, and it is becoming more and more clear that the preteens who couldn't drive themselves to the game are, in fact, our opponents. Okay, now I am all in favor of a good matchup, but honestly, I am thinking this is definitely NOT what I signed up for or pay for. Remember, Adult Beginner League? Being on somewhat chatty terms with the manager of the place, I mope over and lodge a complaint. He assures me that they have to be at least 16 to play in the league. 16? What about 16 = Adult? Based on the width of the girls hips, weight of the boys, and acne, there isn't a chance that one of these adults (other than the coach) is a day over 15. Plus, if they were 16, they would have driven.
Fine, so it was going to be like this, eh? There are red alarms, blue alarms, and yellow alarms running through my head as I sulk back to my team and deliver the news that yes, we are about to have our hineys handed to us by highs chool freshmen. I knew it would be ugly. Setting aside their physical prowess that accompanies anyone under 25, they look like children compared to us, and I knew that any physical contact would result in the referee thinking that monsters were trying to eat the village young'ns. Sure enough, the BK (who weighs about 220 and is about 6'4) was thrown out of the game in the first 5 minutes for a 2 minute penalty. Granted, the BKs feathers were already up just by looking at them, and wasn't in the mood to have his manhood delivered to him by a tween, but in fairness he did put the kid in a headlock (the kid who weighed no more than 90 lbs and was probably 6 inches shorter). In the BKs defense, he claims that the kid grabbed his manparts.
The game progressed better than it should have. The referee was all over us, but even with that handicap, and with no subs (the tweens had double the number needed on the field standing ready to sub on the sideline), we managed to keep the carnage to a tie. Considering, I am chalking that up to a win. Afterward, I hear the coach telling them that if they could play at this level, they were in really good shape. Huh???????? Did I miss something. The whole ride home all I could think of were responses to this ridiculous statement and to the nonsense of the whole game:
"Are you serious? What level is that, the level where people twice your age, twice your weight (not in a good way), pregnant (yeah 2 of our 4 females are visibly pregnant) and 10 times more out of shape are able to hold you to a tie? Yeah, good luck playing children your own age."
"Come back after you hit puberty and get some hips."
"Go try to humiliate people in an old folks home, they might be so old they think you are just cute."
These are the only ones gentle enough for me to post without my mom telling me that I should be sweeter and that I shouldn't be playing anymore anyway. So there it is, my rant that I should have posted the day after so that I could move on with my life. Feel free to post your own comments, particularly if they are snide and cover something I missed.
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9 comments:
I don't know Jen Daines ... this post actually brought me quite a bit of holiday cheer!!!
HILARIOUS!!!
Thanks for the laughs. I needed a good holiday stress reliver.
And by the way...congrats. Seriously.
I think we can safely blame this little catastrophe on the Chinese and their 2008 Olympic games. I mean, allowing children who still have their BABY TEETH a chance to compete in Women’s gymnastics has just lead us down a slippery slope.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0808/oly.china.gymnastics1/content.1.html
haha Jen you crack me up. That is hilarious. I'm sorry you had to play them, but think of the stories that you wouldn't be able to tell otherwise. I completely agree with you by the way. Oh, and have you cleared up more plans with your brothers?
Ummm...sorry to have missed this game. But, I don't think me and my out-of-shape 30 somethingness would have been much help. Though, I do have the advantage in that 1) I'm not pregnant (miracle of all miracles considering the track record of this team) and 2) my hips are probably about as narrow as theirs (sure helps with center of gravity). Too bad we didn't hand their @$$ back to them when we played them the second time :(
It's hard getting old.....and yes I think it is time for you to quit!
I really wish I could have seen that headlock.
I kept waiting for the part where you reveal they were a team of brain-surgery recovering teens or recovering drug addicts or something heartbreaking like that. But no, they were just a regular sucking teen team. I would put one in headlock too. And I must disagree with your mother: Don't Quit!
Very funny post. If you ever decide to throw in the soccer towel, may I recommend racquetball? Some of the best players are old dudes with beer bellies.
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